Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
her facebook's as public as her vagina
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
