Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
