do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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