Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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