Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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