Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
