Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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