Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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