If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
