I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
