The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
