I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
