youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize