i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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