Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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