im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize