Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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