She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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