i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she peed on how many people?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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