i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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