So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
