I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
