i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
