im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
