CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
