Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize