2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
