You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just had sex on a roof
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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