did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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