I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
