I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize