I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
