wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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