At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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