I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
