Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
