This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
