Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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