Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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