Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
