I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
