Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
