to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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