your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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