you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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