connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
