Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
