he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
