he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize