WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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