i just had sex bonerless
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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