I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
