She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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