it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
