you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize