your parents love me but you hate me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
