Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
