Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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