I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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