It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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