I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
