well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
