Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
false alarm, still single
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
