She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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