oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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