My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize